You Probably Should Quit Driving If...
by Jim Dorman


This list was inspired by a series of posts made to the RPList mailing list. It is intended soley for entertainment and wasn't designed to offend anyone. If you find yourself nodding in agreement to any of the items on this list, it might be time to consider giving up driving.

Enjoy!


You probably should quit driving if...

  • you wish your on-board computer would give lane orientation instructions instead of just directions

  • you use a screen reader to check the email directions someone sent you

  • you're trying to teach your guide dog 1 bark for "left" and 2 for "right"

  • a friend tells you that painting your car white with the front section painted red might be a good idea

  • UFOs are hovering above your car because the bright lights attract them

  • people make out wills and / or call their insurance agents before riding with you

  • a police escort sounds like a good idea so you can just follow them

  • you ask the custom shop if they can attach a second windshield wiper motor to the front of your car with a receptacle for your cane

  • you skip going to the store for another pint of decadent ice cream because it's too much effort to drive

  • kids on tricycles pass you while driving at night

  • you ask the glass company just how thick they can make a windshield and if your vision coverage will pay to have it ground

  • your insurance company offers to buy you transit passes

  • the deer you tied to the hood can see the road better than you

  • parallel parking would be much easier if you had a tank

  • cars with "student driver" signs give you lots of room

  • your plastic [insert dashboard ornament here] covers its eyes while you drive

  • someone repaints your car as a prank and you don't notice

  • you order a burger and fries at the drive-through window and the teller looks at you like you're nuts

  • you ask for your cash in small bills and the waitress calls the cops

  • it takes 2 hours to realize that cows aren't really speed bumps

  • a tow-away zone sounds like the easiest way to get home

  • you wish that the auto club would publish maps in Braille

  • you ask the bag boy to put the groceries under the hood

  • the back door of your garage is now the same size as the front one

  • everyone at the towing company knows exactly where you live

  • the body shop sends you a lovely fruit basket every Christmas

    This list is a work in progress. For additions, suggestions, or comments please email the author.